


Conversations

by Starlight_Daylight



Series: Seeking Solace verse [4]
Category: Glee
Genre: M/M, mentions of previous abusive relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-22 08:27:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14304765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight_Daylight/pseuds/Starlight_Daylight
Summary: It wasn’t that he wholeheartedly blamed himself for the situation he got himself in his previous relationship. He knew that hitting was never the answer or solution to a problem but he also knew that people out there who would put blame on the victim in an abusive relationship. And on some days, he was one of those people.





	Conversations

Fingers laced, crickets chirping in the background of what would otherwise be a silent night. Leaves under the couple’s feet crunched as they walked down their usual pathway down the park, hands swinging slightly, footsteps in sync. Conversations were never needed for the couple whenever they decided to go out for a stroll into the night. It was more of a silent reassurance that they were still together at the end of the day. No rolling of eyes, no snarky remarks, no words. Just the two of them in each other’s presence.

But not tonight. Tonight was the night of important conversations. They might not know the significance of this particular conversation because it has brought nothing but bad memories and feelings. But they’ll come to realise it, eventually.

“Something’s been on your mind the entire day,” Sebastian commented, his thumb gently stroking the palm of Kurt’s hand that was in his grasp, “what’s up?”

Kurt furrowed his eyebrows as he stopped walking, turning his head to look at his boyfriend in surprise. Sebastian simply rolled his eyes and tugged the former’s hand, directing the both of them to a nearby bench to take a seat.

“You kept drifting in and out of conversations throughout dinner just now. You seemed… worried,” voiced laced with concern, Sebastian continued prompting, “did something happen? It’s not your dad, is it? Didn’t you have your weekly call home a couple of days?”

Smiling gently, Kurt squeezed the hand that was still in his, relishing the warmth it was providing against the chilly night.

“It’s nothing big really…” Kurt paused when Sebastian gave him a pointed look at the statement, “it’s just…”

Pausing for awhile as he struggled to find words to put the thoughts, that were running all over his head, across to Sebastian so that he would understand.

“Was there ever a point in time where,” Kurt looked at his fingers that were absentmindedly playing with the latter’s, “where you thought that I was to be blamed in my relationship with _him_? That I did something to deserve to… you know… get hit?”

It wasn’t that he wholeheartedly blamed himself for the situation he got himself in his previous relationship. He knew that hitting was never the answer or solution to a problem but he also knew that people out there who would put blame on the victim in an abusive relationship. And on some days, he was one of those people.

_Why didn’t you just leave when he first hit you? Why couldn’t you just tell someone? Why didn’t you fight back? Why couldn’t you just get up and leave? Why did you stay?_

He was faced with such questions when news got around about his relationship. No doubt that they were on his side but those questions with hidden judgements that were constantly being thrown at him, would say otherwise. Like he had the _power_ to put a stop to things but for some reason, he didn’t, he couldn’t.

Bracing himself for an answer he pretty sure he doesn’t want to hear, Kurt looked up and gave Sebastian a forced grin, “you can tell me honestly if you ever thought of that you know? I blamed myself for awhile when I was with him so why won’t you right?”

Untangling his hand from Kurt’s, Sebastian cupped the latter’s face, staring softly into his boyfriend’s glasz eyes. “Hey, listen. I would never ever think that you’re to blame for that shitty excuse for person’s actions.”

“Well, you know what they say, it takes two hands to clap, two to tango and all that stuff,” Kurt feebly pointed out, eyes already welling up with tears but he refuses to cry over something that has been long over.

“I know him Bas. I know what ticks him off. I know the consequences I would be dealing with if and when I shut him off during an argument but I still do it.”

Sebastian bit his lip as he wrecked his brains to think of the right things to say that could help lessen the unnecessary guilt Kurt was feeling. Leaning forward to place a kiss on his boyfriend’s forehead.

“But you don’t see others hitting each other just because they’re upset. And you know why?” Sebastian paused for awhile, making sure that Kurt was really listening to him, “because it’s wrong regardless. So what if there were things that you did that make him unhappy? Intentionally or not, he has a hundred ways to get his point across and hitting should have never ever be a way.”

His statement was unexpectedly met with silence from the latter before shaking his head quickly, blinking his tears away as he stood up.

“You’re right, what he did was wrong. I shouldn’t even be so hung up about it, it’s over and I managed to get away scat free,” words rushed out, not allowing Sebastian to cut in, “not a single broken bone or black eye. Just a few bruises here and there…”

“Babe…”

“I’m one of the lucky one. There are people out there, somewhere, who are still stuck, desperate to get out,”

“Baby.”

“And here I am, with you, happy and loved and yet I’m still complaining and whining about something that happened 3 years ago.”

“Kurt!”

Kurt jumped slightly in surprise at the call of his name. He felt a pair of hands grabbed his shoulders, pulling him into a tight but familiar hug. It’s taken him months to get used to Sebastian’s touch when they officially got together. But slowly, he began to learn the differences, the way he would be able to fit snugly into Sebastian’s neck, how Sebastian’s touch was firm but gentle at the same time. Instinctively, he wrapped his arms around Sebastian’s waist and bury his face into the latter’s warmth.

_“It’s okay to cry, Kurt.”_

And he did. This time, he doesn’t cry as an aftermath of an argument with Sebastian. He doesn’t cry for the fear that his relationship was going to be repeated mistake. This time, he cries for himself, for holding onto the hurt and pain he suffered in silence for two years. He cries for all the time he had to hold back his tears in fear of a lashing. He cries for all the friendship he had to end. The friendship he tried rebuilding but failing eventually. Soon the once silent night with crickets chirping is filled with muffled sobs and hiccups along with words loves that goes with it.

“I may not know what are the right things to say or how I can exactly help you when you’re feeling this way,” Sebastian said as he ran his fingers through Kurt’s hair, knowing it helps to soothe the latter, “but just know that whatever happened between you and Jason, is never ever your fault.”

He felt the grip around him tightened at the statement, unsure if the gesture was meant as an agreement or argument, Sebastian continued, “I know you, Kurt Hummel. I’ve seen your good days and your bad days. I’ve been with you through your ups and downs. And I am one hundred percent certain, that his action was just a result of a poor decision.”

Kurt gently gnawed on his lips as he allowed himself to try to understand what Sebastian was trying to say. He does understand. He could hear countless stories about other’s being abused – physically, emotionally or mentally, and always come up with the same conclusion. It was never their fault. So why can’t he feel the same about his own situation?

“I’m trying you know,” Kurt whispered so softly that Sebastian wasn’t sure if he was even meant to hear it.

Sebastian simply brought Kurt closer to his shoulder, silently urging him to rest his head on it. He honestly felt as lost Kurt feels. They rarely bring up Kurt’s previous relationship or the wounds that came along with it. It was a topic of discussion that they would always approach with caution. But it was this moment that led Sebastian to realise that he is determined to be there for Kurt as long as he wants him to, every step of the way. It was the moment that he knew that he loved him.

“I know sweetheart,” Sebastian whispered as he placed his chin on the top of Kurt’s head, “I know.”


End file.
